


And it's not love, but it's not all lies either

by parvissira



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:45:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parvissira/pseuds/parvissira





	And it's not love, but it's not all lies either

Done for the prompt [here](http://kolms.livejournal.com/18020.html?thread=1677156#t1677156) of **haymitch/katniss** no, i'm not the type that you like. why don't we just pretend?

 

Peeta was in love with idea of her. In love with the girl he saved and he saw the girl with the angel voice who needed him, the boy with the bread. The ember of his love started a fire that in the oxygen rich atmosphere of the Games and the rebellion burned down a country. But lacking fuel all fires burn out.

(and he can see the exhaustion in every line of her being when she comes home from the trial.)

Peeta was in love with the idea of her and didn’t know what to do with the reality of her. He said she didn’t know the effect she had on people. But what he didn’t realize was that love doesn’t heal all wounds and the very thing that made her pull herself together and provide for her family is the very thing that he would never know how to deal with. She can stand on her own two feet even when she’s broken.

(and he likes to imagine that his love can fill in the cracks in her soul but he’s learning differently.)

Peeta was in love with the idea of her and yet his memories of her still shimmer disjointedly and who can really love someone when you have to ask—have to trust—if it’s real or not. His love seemed like such a brilliant thing during the fire but he’s beginning to wonder if she even knows what love really is and so when Annie, who knows how to love and will always _need_ him has the baby he tells a lie to the cameras about duty and honor and is so happy as he leaves behind coal encrusted twelve.

(and he didn’t know it would be so hard.)

\---

Haymitch can’t quite blame the boy for leaving. Merchant kids never quite belong to twelve in the way Seam kids do. The only thing tying him here was his love for the girl. But love like that is wildfire and the girl on fire burned so hot that there was nothing left but ash and dust and when it was the fire he wanted. If he was more like Peeta it would break his heart that she’s been so focused on survival for so long that she really doesn’t know how to love.

(and he thinks isn’t that the way it always is.)

Haymitch understands. It’s why he never told her anything about the plan in the Quarter Quell. She survives but her survival and story have never been intended for the broad nationwide audience. Her survival is more intimate. For her the world is divided into her people and everyone else. It’s what made her the spark but what they forget is that it was for _her_ sister she volunteered. Still, her house rings with echoes of Prim and Peeta’s house echoes with him and so one drunken day she stays over and never leaves.

(and he thinks as he watches her provide for him that this gives her purpose.)

Haymitch knows he shouldn’t touch her so. But some nights when both of them have had a bit too much that the world is a more peaceful place he looks over and sees Seam eyes, Seam hair, and Seam skin and instead of seeing her sees another Seam girl he loved once a long time ago. 

(and he thinks she knows that but still plays pretend.)

Haymitch knows he’s coward but the years pass by and she’s still in his house and in his life. These days they don’t always need alcohol for him to reach out and touch her. These days they have their routine and it might have too much alcohol and too many questions never asked. But for better or worse when everyone else she loved left her he stayed. He never has loved her but it’s what they have. 

(and he thinks that if they weren’t so covered in scar tissue maybe he could.)

\----

Katniss wants the world to stop and turn backwards. Her father left her when she was a child. Her mother left when he died and then again after the war (and is happy). Her beloved sister left her in a blaze of fire. Her best friend left (and is happy) in district two. Her star crossed lover left (and is happy) in district four. All she hears and sees are their ghosts and so one drunken afternoon she stays in his house.

(and she think it’s a mistake but he’s there and alive.)

Katniss tries so hard. She tried so hard to take care of Prim growing up. She tried so hard to be what Peeta wanted. She tried so hard to be their mockingjay. She tried so hard to be perfect. But, it was never enough. Prim still was reaped. Peeta still wasn’t happy. And she knows she’s a footnote to the war now. Everyone tries to distance themselves from those dark days of the Hunger Games and she’s such a product of them there is no way for her to fit into the their new world. 

(and she knows she’s proud and hates giving up.)

Katniss knows it’s not love as she slowly starts hunting and cooking. Katniss knows it’s not love as she stays by his side when the demons the new world likes to pretend never existed show up in his dreams. Katniss knows it’s not love when on particularly drunk nights he cries out _his_ girl’s name as he’s deep inside her. Katniss knows it’s not love and knows he knows. 

(and she never asks why he never asks.)

Katniss never has children. He’s too drunk and she’s too broken and deep in her bones she still doesn’t quite trust the new capitol. But they fall into a pattern of life. 

Katniss doesn’t cry when Haymitch dies. It’s 2pm on a Tuesday and his liver finally gives up. Katniss doesn’t cry as they take him away and the cameras catch her white faced and pale at a funeral that is conspicuously small. Katniss doesn’t cry when she gets home and sees that no one—not Peeta, not Gale, not even her still alive mother—has called. Katniss doesn’t cry until she’s cooking dinner and realizes she’s set the table for two. 

(and she wonders why everyone has to leave her in the end.)


End file.
